Tough Questions and Popsicles

A friend asked me recently how do you let go of something?  Especially when that something is really bothering you, and you didn't realize just how much until recently.

Unfortunately, that is the question we all ask.  The question that keeps many of us up at night,  has us doing drive by's, forces us to reject ourselves and even sometimes pushes us over the edge.  The edge of reason, the edge of sanity, and worst of all, the edge of reality.

My answer was simple.  Start writing a blog.  Maybe, not so simple.  To write what you really think and feel, is not easy.  My friend Jenny called me brave recently.  I wish.

But, what I do know, is that forcing myself to say/write what I am thinking on the inside is helping me to heal.  Heal the part of my soul that is grieving.  Because the loss of trust is something that we need to focus more inward that outward.  Trust may be earned, but it is fragile and overlooked by many.

It made me think of popsicles... I know weird...but just wait. (Plus, this is MY interpretation...don't get all jazzed up about my choices--there is a point to it).

An unopened box of popsicles has so many different possibilities.  There is the ever LOVED cherry.  Everyone wants her around.  She has the best stories.  She is the GREATEST.  Who could not want the cherry popsicle.  Plus, she makes your lips look like lipstick!  Heaven on a stick.  She is the ever POPULAR cherry.  But, too much of cherry and you want to puke.

Grape is the tough one.  She was once popular, but she sits more on the sidelines now.  A bruised and battered grape.  Still, yes still, as fabulous as cherry, but she is just so 20 MINUTES ago!!!  She will eventually realize that she is stronger and braver than she thought she was.  Though the scars are fading..she still bleeds every so often.  No one likes to be shoved to the side and told they are worthless. 

Poor orange.  Everyone thought he was the cherry popsicle.  He is tossed back more than any other flavor.  He isn't as handsome, or athletic as cherry and her cohorts.  But, he is a strong fellow.  More aware that he is headed on an upward climb and he knows that the view will be spectacular when he gets there.  He may be overlooked now, but he is confident enough in himself to know there are better things for him in the future, than what he is leaving behind.

Then there is POOR lime.  Ignored.  Avoided.  Made to feel inferior.  Weird.  Quiet.  Fat.  Ugly.  Stupid.  Gay.  Whore.  Slut.  All the horrible names they are called.  All the slashes that are carved on their souls.  The most damaged of them all.  The one that is thrown around.  The hardest one to see themselves for the true beauty and genius of their AWESOMENESS.

At some point, we are all of them.  Every color.  Every flavor.

We are still trying to hold on to our glory years.  Trying to live the perfect life, through our children, because of our children and some, in spite of their children.  We are all perfectly lovely and perfectly stupid, all in the same breath.  We see betrayal and hurt at 5, 15, and even 39. 

So, while letting go is a wonderful concept and ideally the perfect answer.  Sometimes, letting go is just not where we are at times.  But, we get there.  Every wound eventually becomes a scar. 

A reminder of our loss, but also a reminder of our strength.  Because that is truly what we ALL have.  True strength.  No matter what flavor and color we are.

Randomness from a self proclaimed bag whore

Random things:

I hate mayonnaise.  Seriously.  It has the nastiest texture and smell.  I don't even like to have to touch it.  Plus, it makes everything sweeter.  I don't want a sweet hamburger.  Yucky YUCK.  I also don't care for salad dressings for the same reasons.  I don't want a sweet salad. YUCKY yuck.

I dislike people who bitch and complain about something and then refuse to do anything about it.  I dislike myself, when I do that, you know, since I am not very confrontational.  (see next one)

I DESPISE confrontation.  Ok, but if I MUST be involved, do NOT think that I will cower down to you.  If I am certain of my views and I am passionate about what I have to say...WATCH OUT!

I am not a big fan of reality tv.  I don't hate it, and yes, I have a few things that I like, but overall....not so much.  I am sorry, but I just cannot get into the housewives of where ever.  (My secret guilty pleasure--19 kids and counting--I swear..I LOVE the Duggars.  But don't tell..since I just said I disliked reality tv, blah, blah, blah--I said MOST.  Duggars don't count :)

I have a bag obsession. Suitcases, duffle bags, purses, small bags, big bags, medium bags...,  It's BAD.  I mean like REALLY bad.  I should have a support group.  Seriously.

I cannot type worth a fig, since I cheated in typing class.  I had the worst time following along.  I talked too much.  I know.....SHOCKER!!

I am a TERRIBLE secret keeper for the most part.  But, I KNOW who NOT to say things too.  But, yea..I SUCK. 

I have a horrible desire to be liked.  Now I am thinking---WTH!!  Clairification---I don't REALLY care if you hate my guts, but DON'T act like it.  Then you are just mean.  And mean people SUCK!  You do not have to be fake about it, but DAMN..have some CLASS!!

Vera Bradley has a new color out --- Lime's Up.  I seriously like it.  really.  REALLY.  (See --bag problem).

I don't really like to watch tv.  I watch cartoons so that I have noise in the background.  I like watching things that I have already seen.  Phineas and Ferb is a favorite.  :)

I like reading and watching things that are about the Civil War.  It is something that I can watch anytime.

If I could visit anywhere, I would go to Scotland.  What holds me back, is that I am not sure that I could leave there once I got there.  There is just SOMETHING about it.  It makes my heart ache with longing.  Seriously!!

If I could live anywhere, besides Scotland, I would live in Washington DC.  It is truly one of my favorite places on earth.  There is so much history.  You can feel the sadness in so many places there.  Sometimes, it can take your breath away.  Every American should visit. EVERY!

I like Ladybugs.  When I see them, I know that my Granny is saying hello from heaven.  They show up in the CRAZIEST places and ALWAYS when I need them.

I have an obsessive compulsive personality.  When I find something that I love/like, I tend to go WAYYYYY overboard.  ie: Harry Potter, Facebook, Pinterest, Sharks, The Beatles, Vera Bradley, Etsy, etc.  You get the idea. And now... I am blogging..NEW ONE! 

I LOVE the theatre.  I could spend years just going to broadway plays and be TOTALLY happy.  I would need a new bag for each one.......

I have a bag problem.

I talk to dead people, and sometimes they talk back.  Sometimes, they turn lights on and off.  Sometimes their heels click in the house.  You get the idea.  It's a wee bit creepy to some people, but I am used to it.  You don't have to believe me.  It has been going on since I was a kid.  In this instance, you don't have to like me. :) --- But, remember..have some class.

I like glue.  I like rubbing glue on my hands and then letting it dry.  When you close your hands it looks like dead skin. SO COOL!!

I really like stickers!!!!  Especially with my name on them. I should be a 7 year old girl. ;)


Well, If you made it this far..I am done for now.  I am sure I will have another random day.  I like random things. :)

The girl in the mirror

I lost 65 pounds a couple of years ago.  Yea me.  BUT, I gained 35 BACK this year alone.  Not so yea me.  Sigh.  What the hell happened?  Stupidity, stress, laziness and hate.  Hate at that damn face in the mirror, because as she got bigger, the hate grew.

So, here I am trying to make peace with that girl.  Because deep down, I REALLY like her.  She is funny, sarcastic, shy, LOUD, and still someone I want to see BE herself.  Find herself again.  Because that is the real problem.  The REAL reason that I am hating myself.  She is lost and somehow I have to find her again.  Not the weight loss, but the smile.  The girl who was so happy.  She is the one lost.

Don't get me wrong, all the other bullshit that I have had to deal with didn't help me.  But, I chose to eat instead of deal with it so, I KNOW who is to blame.  Me.  Just me.

So now what?  Well, if I knew I would tell you.  But, the girl in the mirror and I are on a quest and I guess we will figure it out.  But for now, I am trying to smile at that damn mirror reflection.

Somedays she even smiles back.

Renewal

Last summer, Texas had the worst drought in history.  One of my favorite trees in the back yard is looking a little dead.  The other trees have little blooms sprouting up and are happily showing the signs of spring.  But, not my favorite tree.  The one with the BIG, FAT happy leaves who in Fall will blanket my backyard.  I LOVE when that happens, and so does my dog.  But, last week I walked outside and walked under it to see if there were any buds.  ANY sign of life and there were none.  I wrote the tree off and added it to my list of things to do.  Tree man here we come.

Except, a couple of days ago there were some leaves on my tree.  I was skeptical, but hopeful.  Because there were JUST a few, but enough.  Today, there are so many buds on my tree that my tree is still going.  Still. Still.

And that made me think, that maybe we are all like my tree.  Droughts, pain, disappointment, unwanted thoughts just bear down on our souls and we become parched.  And, we release a lot of the old things hanging around us and pushing down on our shoulders and then we withdraw.  Going down inside to burrow for a little while.  We seem withdrawn and sad, but deep down we know that we are merely putting some balm on a much bruised and battered soul.

I think, I believe, that every two years or so, we must redefine ourselves or we stay burrowed inside.  Too set in our ways, too comfortable with JUST enough, and we lose a little more of our spark.  So, when the turmoil comes, and it will, know that it is merely our chance.  Our redemption.  The redemption of us to truly be able to redefine ALL that we are.  It is a gift.  One that if we focus TOO much on the unhappiness and the pain that we cannot get past, we will miss it. 

And that would be the real trajedy.

New Hope

I love Spring.  The smells in the air change from dead leaves, which have their own appeal, to my rose bushes blooming.  With winter finally leaving, although honestly, this winter really should not be called winter.  Let's call it spring-lite.  With SL finally gone and spring here, there is time for renewal.

Lately, 2 am arrives and I am again staring at the darkness outside.  Praying for miracles.  Praying for solace.  Praying for redemption.  But, 2 am rarely brings me much relief.

But, this morning I realized that maybe, just maybe, my prayers have been answered.  Nothing has changed, except me.  And maybe, that is what was needed.  What was necessary.  There is so much darkness and so much pain, but it is peppered with a new realization.  A new hope.  So, maybe my prayer for solace is just this.  Hope. 

Redemption.  Well, that is another story.  One left inside for a little longer.  Everyone always said that my big mouth would get me into trouble.  It most certainly has on many occasions.  But this time, it seems to have seeped into places and to have been discussed by many.  In fact, my words have been passed around the masses.  And, that has made me sad.  Sadder than I thought was possible.  Because, now it seems that standing up for others and standing up for injustice sometimes simply doesn't matter.  That is why I am sad.  Not that my mouth got me in trouble, but rather that my words of worry, of pain, of concern, were twisted and made into fodder for other people's agendas.  That is what saddens me.  People don't matter. Hurting others to make someone else look better does.  So, while I wish and I hope to be accepted.  I think I would rather stand out and be ostracized.  I think in the long run, I am better off.

Now, do not mistake my words for pettiness or even mean spirited!  No, my agenda here is not to point fingers, but rather to point at myself.  To see the world half full in a half empty society is hard and I am doing the best I can.  My best. Simply my best.  By using my words.  If nothing else, I am going to be honest with myself and I can be hated for that.  I honestly don't have the energy to care anymore.

So, while my words are cayenne pepper tinged right now, and I try so hard to keep my world sugar lined...I am simply not there yet.  Not just yet.

So, I guess today I am going to listen to the Beatles and just LET IT BE.  For today, that is enough.

Broken

I have a new song that seems to be speaking to my heart right now.  Broken by Lifehouse.  The lyrics seem to have more meaning that I would care to see.  "I am falling apart, I am barely breathing, with a broken heart that is still beating...."

The part that has me wanting to step back and to re-evaulate it, is that it does NOT reflect me or my life.  But, for today, it represents the state of my mind.  The place that is dark and scary and whispers things that scare me and makes me stand up and really look inward.

My crossroad came, and it was a doozy.  But, it is an internal conflict, one that has external contributors.  Does it define me. No.  Will it change me. Yes.  And that is not a bad thing.

The greatest trials that I have lived through have brought me more than my fair share of scars and I wouldn't change them for the world.  Every slash on my soul helps to bring light to the broken part of my soul right now.

So, broken may be where I am, but I have faith that it can be restored.  One small piece at a time.

"...In the pain there is still healing" Lifehouse