Challenges, Control and Letting Go

When I started my journey of self discovery, I knew that certain parts were going to hurt.  Looking inward can sometimes be scary.  Sometimes, downright terrifying.  But, if we don't try to see past the pain and unhealthy attachments that we have made, we become dependent.

Dependent on not just the emotional aspect, but also the physical attachment.  That NEED for it.  Food, Booze, Love, Acceptance... you get the picture.  The vices that chain people to the post of uncertainty and fear.

I am slowly discovering that what I thought was my greatest vice, food, is actually deeper than that.  Control is my demon. Her bitchy twin Acceptance is not far behind. 

I try so hard to control all things around me, and since I cannot do that, I try to control myself. 

Epic fail.  Seriously. 

I no more have control of the tides in the ocean than I do to controlling myself and the things that circle around and peck away at me.

What I CAN control is how I deal with these things.  How I cope with the situation is just as important to my well being as how I perceive it.

Because that is where I am.  Coping and finding JOY and acceptance of ME.   Joy in THAT discovery.

I AM ENOUGH.   

I will never be perfect, but I will be perfectly me.  And, that is enough. Truly enough. :)

I cannot change my past, but I can accept that through it, I am me.  I LIKE me, big ass mouth and all. 

So, no more debbie downer.  Life in all it's fragility, is terribly precious.  I got myself so turned around, that I forgot.  I stopped living for awhile.

So, now I have to start living again.  For me.  Only me.

And the whispers.................................. Well, a lady really should watch her mouth. :)

That damn Pet Curse

We have been living under a pet curse.  Our first pet, Ariel the fish.  She blew up.  Yes, you read that right..BLEW UP.  I don't know how.  I don't understand.  But one day she was there and the next day...bits of her were all over the tank.  It went down hill from there.

Next came Piper the first puppy.  She was discovered by the landlord.  Either pay a hefty pet charge or get rid of the dog.  $1000 right before Christmas... UH...Bye-Bye Piper!

So we decided to get a cat. Why not!  Potter was sweet and fluffy.  Oh so cute.  We took him to get fixed.  A week later, after he was healed, we let him outside and never saw him again.

But, did we believe the curse yet. NO!!  Coincidence it was, we said.  No reason to be concerned!!

Next came Grace.  The rescue dog.  A BIG ass boxer mix.  She was adorable, but HUGE.  My sweet girl was terrified of her.  When Grace went through the fence to see the neighbor kids and jumped on one of the girls causing that said sweet neighbor girl to go to the hospital and get stitches.  Grace had to go.  Scared daughter and now scared neighbor.  Bye Bye Grace.

We thought..MAYbeeee it is just dogs!  Dog curse!!  That's it.  Nothingggg to be concerned about.

So we went with another cat. Hagrid.  (It's a Harry Potter theme :) Anywho.  He was ok.  He attacked my feet and bit me all the time.  Destroyed many pieces of furniture.  But, he was a cat and I expected it.  I could get past this.  He was NOT going to stay outside. Period.  He spent a small fortune in this crazy ass town and had him neutered and de-clawed.  Awww, peace of mind.  But wait.....
After COUNTLESS trips to my doctor and being on 5 different allergy medications, it turns out that I am allergic to cats. WTH?!?!  Hagrid went live with a nice Doctor who feeds him by hand.  He moved on up!

The curse is REAL.  We were convinced now.  No more pets.  NONE!!

But, that sweet baby girl of ours....heartbroken and an only child.  How could we do that to her, she said.  HOW!! 

Crap.

Now what?!?! 

We caved.  I know.  What the hell were we thinking.  Haven't we learned our lesson? 

Nope.

So, we got Tyson.  He was named after the Cyclops Tyson in the Percy Jackson books.  I wanted Neville from Harry Potter.  Sweet girl said it was time to have Percy Jackson represented.  I think we would have had a Peeta if we had gotten Tyson a few months later. My girl and her books.  I don't know where she gets this obsessive character love from :)

But someone was looking out for us. Tyson was meant to be ours.  He likes to sleep late.  He is mellow and doesn't bark.  The BEST dog ever!!  I think we were meant to go through ALL the pain and suffering to get him.

Everything happens for a reason.  You just have to believe. :)

Home

Home means a lot of different things to me.

I was born in Indiana.  I lived my very early years in Ohio.  I grew up in New Orleans-high school, college, fell in love, marriage, my daughter, the loss of a baby.  I have spent my 30's in Texas.  Ultimately, none of them is home. Not really.  They hold memories and stories and friendships and family, but not home anymore.

So, home has many different meanings.  So, being lost means I can always find my way home.  I just don't know if it is a place anymore.

Home ultimately is my hubs and my girl.  Always.

When the world closes in and the tides are pulling me under, they are my lifeboat. My sun peeking through the clouds.

Don't get me wrong, Ohio and NOLA are in my soul too.  And while I miss the family that both those states hold, I just don't belong there anymore.

I don't know where I really belong in terms of "the PLACE", I just know that wherever my 2 honey's are is the perfect place to be.

Pre-school days

I have loved being a pre-school teacher.  Well, I have loved the kiddos and my co-workers.  I cannot really say that I loved my job.  This is a moot point since this is my last year.  I finally did it.  Quit.  Ended.  Moving onnnnn.

I have exactly 13 days of teaching left.  Roughly 40 + days with weekends and such.  These are a few things that I have learned.

1.  If you do not LOVE the person you are teaching with, this will be the most horrible time of your life.  You will fight.  You will disagree.  You will want to pull your hair out.  I was beyond LUCKY.  I ADORE my co-teacher, who is on her maternity leave and is finished. I miss her.  A LOT!!   I was blessed to not only find someone who I enjoyed being around, but someone who became a most CHERISHED friend.  I am lucky and priveleged to have someone who is that wonderful in my life.  She is my sweet cheeks.


2.  Sometimes, we know that there is something wrong with a child.  We can't always put a label on it, but we know.  No parent wants to be told that there is something wrong with their child, and God knows that we don't enjoy seeing it.  But, we know.  Trust us.  Help your child.  No one likes an ostrich.


3.  I hate party days in my classroom.  I don't care that it makes me seem like a scrooge.  Party day = CHAOS.  Those are the days that if I could hide in the bathroom, that is where I would be.


4.  Working for a church in no way means that the people around you in that church environment are godly.  It amazes me the things that are said and done.  They are like EVERY other work place. There is just as much backstabbing, gossip, and nastiness as any other place.  There is A LOT of good too, but there is a balance of both.  I have been lucky to have some AMAZING women in my small group, but the BIG place.  Hmmmmmm.  The pastor didn't even know my name or how long I had worked there.  4 years!  Yea, he was surprised over that fact. 


5.  Teachers deserve more money.  Period.


6.   There is nothing as sweet as a child coming up and telling you that they love you and giving you a hug.  I cherished those moments, and they happened every day.  You cannot beat that.  Even a bad day is put sweet with a hug.


7.  If your child is sick, please keep them at home.  I don't want to get sick too. Plus, your kiddo likes to hug and to sit in my lap, and to hold my hand, and ........ Get the picture. 


8.  I am much better suited in Mother's Day Out.  One class, all day, and it includes a nap.  All the other classes have chapel and 2 classes a day.  Chapel involves PERKINESS in the morning.  Not my thing.  Plus, they do everything twice.  I will stick with the 2 year olds.  I get to read during naptime. HEAVEN!!


9.  I hate poopy diapers.  My God, what do you people feed these kids!!


10.  I hate indoor recess.  Seriously.  One small area and EVERY kid wants the same damn toy!!  There are 10 riding toys..PICK ANOTHER ONE!! 


11.  The bossy kids were ALWAYS the girls.  ALWAYS.  :)


12.  The rough kids were NOT always the boys.  WAY more rough girls.  WAY MORE!!


13.  Cliques start with 2 year olds.


14.  There is always a crier, one who throws a tantrum, the kid who has the WEIRD parents, the kid who picks his nose, the one who can't share worth a crap....



I wouldn't change these last 4-5 years for anything.  I have loved all the kids.  Some more than others, but I remember each of them with fondness and a heavy heart as I say goodbye to this chapter in my life.

April

Happy April 1st.  I can't believe it is already April.  This year has flown by.  I am almost finished my final year as a pre-school teacher.  I have had a great time, but I am ready for a change.  I don't know if going back to my career is on the agenda just yet.  I need a couple of more years with my girl.  There is time for that later.  Time to be a stay at home Mommie a little longer.

My sweet girl is almost finished another school year.  A doozy of a year.  We are ready for summer.  We are looking forward to the break.  From school work, mean girls, packing lunches, crazy parents, crazy teachers, crazy life, etc.

This is the first year that we will not be doing swim team in 4 years.  I won't know how to handle a Spring time that doesn't require that I wake up at the butt crack of dawn. NOT.  SOOOO excited.  But, I would have gotten up with a smile to see my girl swim.

I hope this Spring brings a little closure to me weary heart and a little sunshine to my battered soul.

Happy days are ahead.