I lost my Granny 3 years ago in February. I had her for 36 years. I was so happy that she was able to meet and KNOW my daughter, her namesake. She died 6 months after I had to put her in a nursing home. A decision that ripped my heart out and left me bleeding.
She was losing her mind, disease taking away her memories and me.
I was fortunate enough to have spent several weeks with her while we were getting her situated.
I remember sitting on the front porch of her house watching the sun rise and set. Watching deer come from the woods and the cars go up and down the mountain. In between those moments, I was packing up her house. Cleaning and painting nicotine walls. Letting go of my childhood.
We had to sell her house, the house that was the one constant in my life. I grew up there. When my parents divorced, I spent the summer and every other Christmas there. My father's alcoholism decreed that.
So, the walls held so many memories. The summer that my sister and I watched Grease 2 and Six Pack everytime they came on HBO. Watching Lawrence Welk and eating potato chips with my Papa. The discovery of eating banana's with peanut butter on them. The basement that held toys and her ironing board, since she ironed EVERYTHING!! Christmas lights strung around the basement because my Dad loved Christmas and from when they had parties. The picture in the kitchen that we laughed at because she bought it thinking it was a thanksgiving picture, but it was a picture of an Amish family. The table that we ate dinner at every night at 4:30. The front porch that we sat on everynight after dinner watching lightning bugs and the cars going up and down the hill. The brown label on the door to the garage that said Jeff's pad.
She watched her baby, my dad, be sent to Vietnam and come back a different man. She held my hand in the snow while we listened to them play taps when we buried him when I was 22 after he died on Christmas Eve.
I was home when the call came from my aunt. Come home to Ohio. I spoke with Granny and told her that I would see her on Friday, and for the first time in a long time she told me-- Chris, I will see you then. When she called me Chris, she was talking about ME. Her and my Dad were the only two people on this planet that called me Chris. If she said Christie, I knew she was going by what she heard others say. So, it was beyond URGENT that I get to her. That was the last conversation I had with her that she knew ME. I never got to tell her, that she understood....how much I truly loved her and that I was so thankful that she loved me, when she didn't have too. And, I KNEW that she loved me. No doubt there.
By the time I got home, it was almost time. Hospice. It means one thing. Goodbye time.
My sister and I were sitting with her in the hospice room. I was sitting in the chair next to her bed holding her hand and watching the snow fall--listening to Coldplay's Yellow. Lauren sat on her other side holding her hand. It was quiet. Granny was out of it, she hadn't spoken since we got there. Lauren got up to say goodbye, since we were leaving for the night. It was around 10:15. Lauren went to sit down and I stood on Granny's right side. I took her hand and told her that I loved her. She turned her head and looked at me, and I knew. That moment that just lets you know. No words were needed. Her eyes just stared into mine. I told her that it was ok to go and that my Daddy, her baby, was waiting for her. To go with Daddy. She turned her eyes to the left of me and looked at the open space there, and I watched her crystal blue eyes lose their life.
It was truly one of the most PROFOUND moments of my life. Death is as beautiful as birth. I was blessed to be able to see that. I was grateful that she let us. She always tried to protect us, telling us things AFTER the fact, which drove us crazy.
Again, I stood in the snow to bury someone I cherished and loved.
I am going back in the next weeks to get the last remaining things from her house, that have been stored at her sisters house.
For the first time in my 39 years, I cannot go back to her house, my house. I realized it the other day and I have had a pain in my heart ever since.
Letting go, all over again.
It's days like these, that the simple days of summer and childhood are so far away. The time in your life when the world makes perfect sense and letting go means nothing more than closing the door behind you....
This visit, I get to visit Daddy's grave, Papa's grave and Granny's grave.......letting go in stone.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
A Mama's Love
My Mama rocks. Seriously. My step-mama rocks too. Seriously. I am totally lucky. I have 2 rockin mama's.
My hubbers has his mama. I love her bunches too. She is pretty jazzy. Did I always think so, yes and no. There are days that we differ on many different things. She is a die hard catholic. I am a too, but I am a little more liberal in my beliefs. She is pretty conservative. Seeing eye to eye on that, causes some anxiety for her. :) But, overall she rocks.
When I married her son, MY mama pulled me over to the side and told me to NEVER forget how much she loves me and that HIS mama feels the exact same way about him. No matter what, I should never forget that. To make every effort to keep those bonds strong and their relationship close. I have done what my Mama siad, even when we had difficulties. No road is devoid of bumps. But, they are overcome in time, and ultimately make us all better for them.
I remembered that the day I became a Mama. I understood exactly how much my Mama loved me and exactly how much his Mama loved him.
So, no matter what differences we have, that love is constant.
I would kill to protect my baby from harm. Just like my Mama would do for me and my sisters. Just like my step-Mama would do for me, my sisters and my brothers. Just like Mama in law would do for my husband.
Thank Goodness for my Mama's.
My hubbers has his mama. I love her bunches too. She is pretty jazzy. Did I always think so, yes and no. There are days that we differ on many different things. She is a die hard catholic. I am a too, but I am a little more liberal in my beliefs. She is pretty conservative. Seeing eye to eye on that, causes some anxiety for her. :) But, overall she rocks.
When I married her son, MY mama pulled me over to the side and told me to NEVER forget how much she loves me and that HIS mama feels the exact same way about him. No matter what, I should never forget that. To make every effort to keep those bonds strong and their relationship close. I have done what my Mama siad, even when we had difficulties. No road is devoid of bumps. But, they are overcome in time, and ultimately make us all better for them.
I remembered that the day I became a Mama. I understood exactly how much my Mama loved me and exactly how much his Mama loved him.
So, no matter what differences we have, that love is constant.
I would kill to protect my baby from harm. Just like my Mama would do for me and my sisters. Just like my step-Mama would do for me, my sisters and my brothers. Just like Mama in law would do for my husband.
Thank Goodness for my Mama's.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Love and Hate
I had to delete someone from my Facebook page this week. She was someone from my high school days. Not a friend, but not an enemy. Just someone. She has her opinions and I have mine. She tends to get very riled up over politics, religion, weather... You name it, she has a problem with it.
I didn't have a problem with her rants, she has freedom of speech behind her and she wasn't being cruel. Not specifically. Well, not by name anyway.
But this week she joined - the I hate Obama because he likes gays wagon. She used our catholic faith as her wagon of choice and there, she crossed a line.
See, I have a problem with anyone who can truly say they are a religious person, but HATE an entire group of people because of who they LOVE.
That is it. That is the core of people who are against homosexuals. They are against love.
LOVE is the greatest force on earth. It's cousin HATE..right behind her. To hate so fully...With a passion that rivals all that is in your soul. That is a lot of energy that is being shoved out into the world. And we wonder why it comes flying back to us so much.
Every negative thought or action you take eventually makes it way back to you. Love is the same way.
I don't give a rats ass what the bible says about marriage. Love is love. Period. If you are lucky enough to find it, hold the hell onto it. Purple, brown, green,black, white, gay, atheist... Whatever the hell you are. There is nothing more precious.
And.....
I am pretty sure when God said love thy neighbor, he meant everyone.
I don't hate people who spread the hate around. I feel sorry for them and I pray for them. To hate so many people over whom they love... how tragic a life.
So, I deleted her not because of her statements, but rather the hate.
There is enough hate in this wicked and wonderful world and I didn't need a front row seat this week for it.
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
JK Rowling
Choose LOVE. Always choose love over hate. Always.
I didn't have a problem with her rants, she has freedom of speech behind her and she wasn't being cruel. Not specifically. Well, not by name anyway.
But this week she joined - the I hate Obama because he likes gays wagon. She used our catholic faith as her wagon of choice and there, she crossed a line.
See, I have a problem with anyone who can truly say they are a religious person, but HATE an entire group of people because of who they LOVE.
That is it. That is the core of people who are against homosexuals. They are against love.
LOVE is the greatest force on earth. It's cousin HATE..right behind her. To hate so fully...With a passion that rivals all that is in your soul. That is a lot of energy that is being shoved out into the world. And we wonder why it comes flying back to us so much.
Every negative thought or action you take eventually makes it way back to you. Love is the same way.
I don't give a rats ass what the bible says about marriage. Love is love. Period. If you are lucky enough to find it, hold the hell onto it. Purple, brown, green,black, white, gay, atheist... Whatever the hell you are. There is nothing more precious.
And.....
I am pretty sure when God said love thy neighbor, he meant everyone.
I don't hate people who spread the hate around. I feel sorry for them and I pray for them. To hate so many people over whom they love... how tragic a life.
So, I deleted her not because of her statements, but rather the hate.
There is enough hate in this wicked and wonderful world and I didn't need a front row seat this week for it.
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
JK Rowling
Choose LOVE. Always choose love over hate. Always.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Eating Crow
I have never claimed to be perfect. More like perfectly flawed. :)
I had a situation occur in the Fall, that had my daughter hurt. Her feelings hurt. It was hard to watch and I acted like a Mama lion and came roaring out.
I made comments about the teacher who had hurt her on Facebook. I was sooooo noble....(sarcasm)
I didn't say her name, but I was brutal and cruel. No matter how noble I THOUGHT I was, ultimately, I was an ass. I took a situation that should have been dealt with maturely and turned it into a playground fight.
I am exactly like all the people, who I despise, who do this. I was totally convinced that I was right, but deep down....cruelty doesn't need to be spread around. There is enough already. I added to the horrible pile and called it justification.
Many things have occurred because of those comments. Some things were done by other people. Their actions speak about them. Just as mine spoke about me. If nothing else--- Karma is a bitch. I put negativity and ugliness out into the universe and it came back with a vengeance.
I recently attempted to make ammends with the woman who I hurt. I don't agree with how she handled the situation, but knowing that I made it WORSE, made we re-evaluate.
If I am to teach my daughter about forgiveness and honor, I need to SHOW her this. Only then will I have been a good mother.
So, eating crow SUCKS. But, it was and IS the right thing to do. For me it was as necessary as breathing. I need to be able to smile at the girl in the mirror. :)
I had a situation occur in the Fall, that had my daughter hurt. Her feelings hurt. It was hard to watch and I acted like a Mama lion and came roaring out.
I made comments about the teacher who had hurt her on Facebook. I was sooooo noble....(sarcasm)
I didn't say her name, but I was brutal and cruel. No matter how noble I THOUGHT I was, ultimately, I was an ass. I took a situation that should have been dealt with maturely and turned it into a playground fight.
I am exactly like all the people, who I despise, who do this. I was totally convinced that I was right, but deep down....cruelty doesn't need to be spread around. There is enough already. I added to the horrible pile and called it justification.
Many things have occurred because of those comments. Some things were done by other people. Their actions speak about them. Just as mine spoke about me. If nothing else--- Karma is a bitch. I put negativity and ugliness out into the universe and it came back with a vengeance.
I recently attempted to make ammends with the woman who I hurt. I don't agree with how she handled the situation, but knowing that I made it WORSE, made we re-evaluate.
If I am to teach my daughter about forgiveness and honor, I need to SHOW her this. Only then will I have been a good mother.
So, eating crow SUCKS. But, it was and IS the right thing to do. For me it was as necessary as breathing. I need to be able to smile at the girl in the mirror. :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Lessons and Energy
I learned a truly valuable lesson. I didn't really enjoy it at the time, but I see the wonderful benefits now.
I have decided to "Send light and love out".
Meaning, when I feel a bit...OVERtaxed by people. ie-pissed off beyond what my brain can handle. I will send out feelings of love and healing light to surround them.
Sending out negative and unwanted feelings allows the universe to send them right on back to me. Unacceptable. So, if happiness is necessary on the return, then it is vital in the output.
Is it easy? Hell no. I spend ALOT of time saying this phrase. I told my hubs that I was convinced that I was an angry elf -- from the south pole. :)
I sometimes say the phrase through my teeth and quite a few times it has been "I send light and f*in love out.
Mother Theresa I am not.
What I am, is someone who knows that the greatest blessing and tool that I have at my disposal is the ability to love.
How I use that tool will ultimately determine my path.
So----
I send you all light and love today.
Make today count.
I have decided to "Send light and love out".
Meaning, when I feel a bit...OVERtaxed by people. ie-pissed off beyond what my brain can handle. I will send out feelings of love and healing light to surround them.
Sending out negative and unwanted feelings allows the universe to send them right on back to me. Unacceptable. So, if happiness is necessary on the return, then it is vital in the output.
Is it easy? Hell no. I spend ALOT of time saying this phrase. I told my hubs that I was convinced that I was an angry elf -- from the south pole. :)
I sometimes say the phrase through my teeth and quite a few times it has been "I send light and f*in love out.
Mother Theresa I am not.
What I am, is someone who knows that the greatest blessing and tool that I have at my disposal is the ability to love.
How I use that tool will ultimately determine my path.
So----
I send you all light and love today.
Make today count.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Challenges, Control and Letting Go
When I started my journey of self discovery, I knew that certain parts were going to hurt. Looking inward can sometimes be scary. Sometimes, downright terrifying. But, if we don't try to see past the pain and unhealthy attachments that we have made, we become dependent.
Dependent on not just the emotional aspect, but also the physical attachment. That NEED for it. Food, Booze, Love, Acceptance... you get the picture. The vices that chain people to the post of uncertainty and fear.
I am slowly discovering that what I thought was my greatest vice, food, is actually deeper than that. Control is my demon. Her bitchy twin Acceptance is not far behind.
I try so hard to control all things around me, and since I cannot do that, I try to control myself.
Epic fail. Seriously.
I no more have control of the tides in the ocean than I do to controlling myself and the things that circle around and peck away at me.
What I CAN control is how I deal with these things. How I cope with the situation is just as important to my well being as how I perceive it.
Because that is where I am. Coping and finding JOY and acceptance of ME. Joy in THAT discovery.
I AM ENOUGH.
I will never be perfect, but I will be perfectly me. And, that is enough. Truly enough. :)
I cannot change my past, but I can accept that through it, I am me. I LIKE me, big ass mouth and all.
So, no more debbie downer. Life in all it's fragility, is terribly precious. I got myself so turned around, that I forgot. I stopped living for awhile.
So, now I have to start living again. For me. Only me.
And the whispers.................................. Well, a lady really should watch her mouth. :)
Dependent on not just the emotional aspect, but also the physical attachment. That NEED for it. Food, Booze, Love, Acceptance... you get the picture. The vices that chain people to the post of uncertainty and fear.
I am slowly discovering that what I thought was my greatest vice, food, is actually deeper than that. Control is my demon. Her bitchy twin Acceptance is not far behind.
I try so hard to control all things around me, and since I cannot do that, I try to control myself.
Epic fail. Seriously.
I no more have control of the tides in the ocean than I do to controlling myself and the things that circle around and peck away at me.
What I CAN control is how I deal with these things. How I cope with the situation is just as important to my well being as how I perceive it.
Because that is where I am. Coping and finding JOY and acceptance of ME. Joy in THAT discovery.
I AM ENOUGH.
I will never be perfect, but I will be perfectly me. And, that is enough. Truly enough. :)
I cannot change my past, but I can accept that through it, I am me. I LIKE me, big ass mouth and all.
So, no more debbie downer. Life in all it's fragility, is terribly precious. I got myself so turned around, that I forgot. I stopped living for awhile.
So, now I have to start living again. For me. Only me.
And the whispers.................................. Well, a lady really should watch her mouth. :)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
That damn Pet Curse
We have been living under a pet curse. Our first pet, Ariel the fish. She blew up. Yes, you read that right..BLEW UP. I don't know how. I don't understand. But one day she was there and the next day...bits of her were all over the tank. It went down hill from there.
Next came Piper the first puppy. She was discovered by the landlord. Either pay a hefty pet charge or get rid of the dog. $1000 right before Christmas... UH...Bye-Bye Piper!
So we decided to get a cat. Why not! Potter was sweet and fluffy. Oh so cute. We took him to get fixed. A week later, after he was healed, we let him outside and never saw him again.
But, did we believe the curse yet. NO!! Coincidence it was, we said. No reason to be concerned!!
Next came Grace. The rescue dog. A BIG ass boxer mix. She was adorable, but HUGE. My sweet girl was terrified of her. When Grace went through the fence to see the neighbor kids and jumped on one of the girls causing that said sweet neighbor girl to go to the hospital and get stitches. Grace had to go. Scared daughter and now scared neighbor. Bye Bye Grace.
We thought..MAYbeeee it is just dogs! Dog curse!! That's it. Nothingggg to be concerned about.
So we went with another cat. Hagrid. (It's a Harry Potter theme :) Anywho. He was ok. He attacked my feet and bit me all the time. Destroyed many pieces of furniture. But, he was a cat and I expected it. I could get past this. He was NOT going to stay outside. Period. He spent a small fortune in this crazy ass town and had him neutered and de-clawed. Awww, peace of mind. But wait.....
After COUNTLESS trips to my doctor and being on 5 different allergy medications, it turns out that I am allergic to cats. WTH?!?! Hagrid went live with a nice Doctor who feeds him by hand. He moved on up!
The curse is REAL. We were convinced now. No more pets. NONE!!
But, that sweet baby girl of ours....heartbroken and an only child. How could we do that to her, she said. HOW!!
Crap.
Now what?!?!
We caved. I know. What the hell were we thinking. Haven't we learned our lesson?
Nope.
So, we got Tyson. He was named after the Cyclops Tyson in the Percy Jackson books. I wanted Neville from Harry Potter. Sweet girl said it was time to have Percy Jackson represented. I think we would have had a Peeta if we had gotten Tyson a few months later. My girl and her books. I don't know where she gets this obsessive character love from :)
But someone was looking out for us. Tyson was meant to be ours. He likes to sleep late. He is mellow and doesn't bark. The BEST dog ever!! I think we were meant to go through ALL the pain and suffering to get him.
Everything happens for a reason. You just have to believe. :)
Next came Piper the first puppy. She was discovered by the landlord. Either pay a hefty pet charge or get rid of the dog. $1000 right before Christmas... UH...Bye-Bye Piper!
So we decided to get a cat. Why not! Potter was sweet and fluffy. Oh so cute. We took him to get fixed. A week later, after he was healed, we let him outside and never saw him again.
But, did we believe the curse yet. NO!! Coincidence it was, we said. No reason to be concerned!!
Next came Grace. The rescue dog. A BIG ass boxer mix. She was adorable, but HUGE. My sweet girl was terrified of her. When Grace went through the fence to see the neighbor kids and jumped on one of the girls causing that said sweet neighbor girl to go to the hospital and get stitches. Grace had to go. Scared daughter and now scared neighbor. Bye Bye Grace.
We thought..MAYbeeee it is just dogs! Dog curse!! That's it. Nothingggg to be concerned about.
So we went with another cat. Hagrid. (It's a Harry Potter theme :) Anywho. He was ok. He attacked my feet and bit me all the time. Destroyed many pieces of furniture. But, he was a cat and I expected it. I could get past this. He was NOT going to stay outside. Period. He spent a small fortune in this crazy ass town and had him neutered and de-clawed. Awww, peace of mind. But wait.....
After COUNTLESS trips to my doctor and being on 5 different allergy medications, it turns out that I am allergic to cats. WTH?!?! Hagrid went live with a nice Doctor who feeds him by hand. He moved on up!
The curse is REAL. We were convinced now. No more pets. NONE!!
But, that sweet baby girl of ours....heartbroken and an only child. How could we do that to her, she said. HOW!!
Crap.
Now what?!?!
We caved. I know. What the hell were we thinking. Haven't we learned our lesson?
Nope.
So, we got Tyson. He was named after the Cyclops Tyson in the Percy Jackson books. I wanted Neville from Harry Potter. Sweet girl said it was time to have Percy Jackson represented. I think we would have had a Peeta if we had gotten Tyson a few months later. My girl and her books. I don't know where she gets this obsessive character love from :)
But someone was looking out for us. Tyson was meant to be ours. He likes to sleep late. He is mellow and doesn't bark. The BEST dog ever!! I think we were meant to go through ALL the pain and suffering to get him.
Everything happens for a reason. You just have to believe. :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Home
Home means a lot of different things to me.
I was born in Indiana. I lived my very early years in Ohio. I grew up in New Orleans-high school, college, fell in love, marriage, my daughter, the loss of a baby. I have spent my 30's in Texas. Ultimately, none of them is home. Not really. They hold memories and stories and friendships and family, but not home anymore.
So, home has many different meanings. So, being lost means I can always find my way home. I just don't know if it is a place anymore.
Home ultimately is my hubs and my girl. Always.
When the world closes in and the tides are pulling me under, they are my lifeboat. My sun peeking through the clouds.
Don't get me wrong, Ohio and NOLA are in my soul too. And while I miss the family that both those states hold, I just don't belong there anymore.
I don't know where I really belong in terms of "the PLACE", I just know that wherever my 2 honey's are is the perfect place to be.
I was born in Indiana. I lived my very early years in Ohio. I grew up in New Orleans-high school, college, fell in love, marriage, my daughter, the loss of a baby. I have spent my 30's in Texas. Ultimately, none of them is home. Not really. They hold memories and stories and friendships and family, but not home anymore.
So, home has many different meanings. So, being lost means I can always find my way home. I just don't know if it is a place anymore.
Home ultimately is my hubs and my girl. Always.
When the world closes in and the tides are pulling me under, they are my lifeboat. My sun peeking through the clouds.
Don't get me wrong, Ohio and NOLA are in my soul too. And while I miss the family that both those states hold, I just don't belong there anymore.
I don't know where I really belong in terms of "the PLACE", I just know that wherever my 2 honey's are is the perfect place to be.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Pre-school days
I have loved being a pre-school teacher. Well, I have loved the kiddos and my co-workers. I cannot really say that I loved my job. This is a moot point since this is my last year. I finally did it. Quit. Ended. Moving onnnnn.
I have exactly 13 days of teaching left. Roughly 40 + days with weekends and such. These are a few things that I have learned.
1. If you do not LOVE the person you are teaching with, this will be the most horrible time of your life. You will fight. You will disagree. You will want to pull your hair out. I was beyond LUCKY. I ADORE my co-teacher, who is on her maternity leave and is finished. I miss her. A LOT!! I was blessed to not only find someone who I enjoyed being around, but someone who became a most CHERISHED friend. I am lucky and priveleged to have someone who is that wonderful in my life. She is my sweet cheeks.
2. Sometimes, we know that there is something wrong with a child. We can't always put a label on it, but we know. No parent wants to be told that there is something wrong with their child, and God knows that we don't enjoy seeing it. But, we know. Trust us. Help your child. No one likes an ostrich.
3. I hate party days in my classroom. I don't care that it makes me seem like a scrooge. Party day = CHAOS. Those are the days that if I could hide in the bathroom, that is where I would be.
4. Working for a church in no way means that the people around you in that church environment are godly. It amazes me the things that are said and done. They are like EVERY other work place. There is just as much backstabbing, gossip, and nastiness as any other place. There is A LOT of good too, but there is a balance of both. I have been lucky to have some AMAZING women in my small group, but the BIG place. Hmmmmmm. The pastor didn't even know my name or how long I had worked there. 4 years! Yea, he was surprised over that fact.
5. Teachers deserve more money. Period.
6. There is nothing as sweet as a child coming up and telling you that they love you and giving you a hug. I cherished those moments, and they happened every day. You cannot beat that. Even a bad day is put sweet with a hug.
7. If your child is sick, please keep them at home. I don't want to get sick too. Plus, your kiddo likes to hug and to sit in my lap, and to hold my hand, and ........ Get the picture.
8. I am much better suited in Mother's Day Out. One class, all day, and it includes a nap. All the other classes have chapel and 2 classes a day. Chapel involves PERKINESS in the morning. Not my thing. Plus, they do everything twice. I will stick with the 2 year olds. I get to read during naptime. HEAVEN!!
9. I hate poopy diapers. My God, what do you people feed these kids!!
10. I hate indoor recess. Seriously. One small area and EVERY kid wants the same damn toy!! There are 10 riding toys..PICK ANOTHER ONE!!
11. The bossy kids were ALWAYS the girls. ALWAYS. :)
12. The rough kids were NOT always the boys. WAY more rough girls. WAY MORE!!
13. Cliques start with 2 year olds.
14. There is always a crier, one who throws a tantrum, the kid who has the WEIRD parents, the kid who picks his nose, the one who can't share worth a crap....
I wouldn't change these last 4-5 years for anything. I have loved all the kids. Some more than others, but I remember each of them with fondness and a heavy heart as I say goodbye to this chapter in my life.
I have exactly 13 days of teaching left. Roughly 40 + days with weekends and such. These are a few things that I have learned.
1. If you do not LOVE the person you are teaching with, this will be the most horrible time of your life. You will fight. You will disagree. You will want to pull your hair out. I was beyond LUCKY. I ADORE my co-teacher, who is on her maternity leave and is finished. I miss her. A LOT!! I was blessed to not only find someone who I enjoyed being around, but someone who became a most CHERISHED friend. I am lucky and priveleged to have someone who is that wonderful in my life. She is my sweet cheeks.
2. Sometimes, we know that there is something wrong with a child. We can't always put a label on it, but we know. No parent wants to be told that there is something wrong with their child, and God knows that we don't enjoy seeing it. But, we know. Trust us. Help your child. No one likes an ostrich.
3. I hate party days in my classroom. I don't care that it makes me seem like a scrooge. Party day = CHAOS. Those are the days that if I could hide in the bathroom, that is where I would be.
4. Working for a church in no way means that the people around you in that church environment are godly. It amazes me the things that are said and done. They are like EVERY other work place. There is just as much backstabbing, gossip, and nastiness as any other place. There is A LOT of good too, but there is a balance of both. I have been lucky to have some AMAZING women in my small group, but the BIG place. Hmmmmmm. The pastor didn't even know my name or how long I had worked there. 4 years! Yea, he was surprised over that fact.
5. Teachers deserve more money. Period.
6. There is nothing as sweet as a child coming up and telling you that they love you and giving you a hug. I cherished those moments, and they happened every day. You cannot beat that. Even a bad day is put sweet with a hug.
7. If your child is sick, please keep them at home. I don't want to get sick too. Plus, your kiddo likes to hug and to sit in my lap, and to hold my hand, and ........ Get the picture.
8. I am much better suited in Mother's Day Out. One class, all day, and it includes a nap. All the other classes have chapel and 2 classes a day. Chapel involves PERKINESS in the morning. Not my thing. Plus, they do everything twice. I will stick with the 2 year olds. I get to read during naptime. HEAVEN!!
9. I hate poopy diapers. My God, what do you people feed these kids!!
10. I hate indoor recess. Seriously. One small area and EVERY kid wants the same damn toy!! There are 10 riding toys..PICK ANOTHER ONE!!
11. The bossy kids were ALWAYS the girls. ALWAYS. :)
12. The rough kids were NOT always the boys. WAY more rough girls. WAY MORE!!
13. Cliques start with 2 year olds.
14. There is always a crier, one who throws a tantrum, the kid who has the WEIRD parents, the kid who picks his nose, the one who can't share worth a crap....
I wouldn't change these last 4-5 years for anything. I have loved all the kids. Some more than others, but I remember each of them with fondness and a heavy heart as I say goodbye to this chapter in my life.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
April
Happy April 1st. I can't believe it is already April. This year has flown by. I am almost finished my final year as a pre-school teacher. I have had a great time, but I am ready for a change. I don't know if going back to my career is on the agenda just yet. I need a couple of more years with my girl. There is time for that later. Time to be a stay at home Mommie a little longer.
My sweet girl is almost finished another school year. A doozy of a year. We are ready for summer. We are looking forward to the break. From school work, mean girls, packing lunches, crazy parents, crazy teachers, crazy life, etc.
This is the first year that we will not be doing swim team in 4 years. I won't know how to handle a Spring time that doesn't require that I wake up at the butt crack of dawn. NOT. SOOOO excited. But, I would have gotten up with a smile to see my girl swim.
I hope this Spring brings a little closure to me weary heart and a little sunshine to my battered soul.
Happy days are ahead.
My sweet girl is almost finished another school year. A doozy of a year. We are ready for summer. We are looking forward to the break. From school work, mean girls, packing lunches, crazy parents, crazy teachers, crazy life, etc.
This is the first year that we will not be doing swim team in 4 years. I won't know how to handle a Spring time that doesn't require that I wake up at the butt crack of dawn. NOT. SOOOO excited. But, I would have gotten up with a smile to see my girl swim.
I hope this Spring brings a little closure to me weary heart and a little sunshine to my battered soul.
Happy days are ahead.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tough Questions and Popsicles
A friend asked me recently how do you let go of something? Especially when that something is really bothering you, and you didn't realize just how much until recently.
Unfortunately, that is the question we all ask. The question that keeps many of us up at night, has us doing drive by's, forces us to reject ourselves and even sometimes pushes us over the edge. The edge of reason, the edge of sanity, and worst of all, the edge of reality.
My answer was simple. Start writing a blog. Maybe, not so simple. To write what you really think and feel, is not easy. My friend Jenny called me brave recently. I wish.
But, what I do know, is that forcing myself to say/write what I am thinking on the inside is helping me to heal. Heal the part of my soul that is grieving. Because the loss of trust is something that we need to focus more inward that outward. Trust may be earned, but it is fragile and overlooked by many.
It made me think of popsicles... I know weird...but just wait. (Plus, this is MY interpretation...don't get all jazzed up about my choices--there is a point to it).
An unopened box of popsicles has so many different possibilities. There is the ever LOVED cherry. Everyone wants her around. She has the best stories. She is the GREATEST. Who could not want the cherry popsicle. Plus, she makes your lips look like lipstick! Heaven on a stick. She is the ever POPULAR cherry. But, too much of cherry and you want to puke.
Grape is the tough one. She was once popular, but she sits more on the sidelines now. A bruised and battered grape. Still, yes still, as fabulous as cherry, but she is just so 20 MINUTES ago!!! She will eventually realize that she is stronger and braver than she thought she was. Though the scars are fading..she still bleeds every so often. No one likes to be shoved to the side and told they are worthless.
Poor orange. Everyone thought he was the cherry popsicle. He is tossed back more than any other flavor. He isn't as handsome, or athletic as cherry and her cohorts. But, he is a strong fellow. More aware that he is headed on an upward climb and he knows that the view will be spectacular when he gets there. He may be overlooked now, but he is confident enough in himself to know there are better things for him in the future, than what he is leaving behind.
Then there is POOR lime. Ignored. Avoided. Made to feel inferior. Weird. Quiet. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Gay. Whore. Slut. All the horrible names they are called. All the slashes that are carved on their souls. The most damaged of them all. The one that is thrown around. The hardest one to see themselves for the true beauty and genius of their AWESOMENESS.
At some point, we are all of them. Every color. Every flavor.
We are still trying to hold on to our glory years. Trying to live the perfect life, through our children, because of our children and some, in spite of their children. We are all perfectly lovely and perfectly stupid, all in the same breath. We see betrayal and hurt at 5, 15, and even 39.
So, while letting go is a wonderful concept and ideally the perfect answer. Sometimes, letting go is just not where we are at times. But, we get there. Every wound eventually becomes a scar.
A reminder of our loss, but also a reminder of our strength. Because that is truly what we ALL have. True strength. No matter what flavor and color we are.
Unfortunately, that is the question we all ask. The question that keeps many of us up at night, has us doing drive by's, forces us to reject ourselves and even sometimes pushes us over the edge. The edge of reason, the edge of sanity, and worst of all, the edge of reality.
My answer was simple. Start writing a blog. Maybe, not so simple. To write what you really think and feel, is not easy. My friend Jenny called me brave recently. I wish.
But, what I do know, is that forcing myself to say/write what I am thinking on the inside is helping me to heal. Heal the part of my soul that is grieving. Because the loss of trust is something that we need to focus more inward that outward. Trust may be earned, but it is fragile and overlooked by many.
It made me think of popsicles... I know weird...but just wait. (Plus, this is MY interpretation...don't get all jazzed up about my choices--there is a point to it).
An unopened box of popsicles has so many different possibilities. There is the ever LOVED cherry. Everyone wants her around. She has the best stories. She is the GREATEST. Who could not want the cherry popsicle. Plus, she makes your lips look like lipstick! Heaven on a stick. She is the ever POPULAR cherry. But, too much of cherry and you want to puke.
Grape is the tough one. She was once popular, but she sits more on the sidelines now. A bruised and battered grape. Still, yes still, as fabulous as cherry, but she is just so 20 MINUTES ago!!! She will eventually realize that she is stronger and braver than she thought she was. Though the scars are fading..she still bleeds every so often. No one likes to be shoved to the side and told they are worthless.
Poor orange. Everyone thought he was the cherry popsicle. He is tossed back more than any other flavor. He isn't as handsome, or athletic as cherry and her cohorts. But, he is a strong fellow. More aware that he is headed on an upward climb and he knows that the view will be spectacular when he gets there. He may be overlooked now, but he is confident enough in himself to know there are better things for him in the future, than what he is leaving behind.
Then there is POOR lime. Ignored. Avoided. Made to feel inferior. Weird. Quiet. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Gay. Whore. Slut. All the horrible names they are called. All the slashes that are carved on their souls. The most damaged of them all. The one that is thrown around. The hardest one to see themselves for the true beauty and genius of their AWESOMENESS.
At some point, we are all of them. Every color. Every flavor.
We are still trying to hold on to our glory years. Trying to live the perfect life, through our children, because of our children and some, in spite of their children. We are all perfectly lovely and perfectly stupid, all in the same breath. We see betrayal and hurt at 5, 15, and even 39.
So, while letting go is a wonderful concept and ideally the perfect answer. Sometimes, letting go is just not where we are at times. But, we get there. Every wound eventually becomes a scar.
A reminder of our loss, but also a reminder of our strength. Because that is truly what we ALL have. True strength. No matter what flavor and color we are.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Randomness from a self proclaimed bag whore
Random things:
I hate mayonnaise. Seriously. It has the nastiest texture and smell. I don't even like to have to touch it. Plus, it makes everything sweeter. I don't want a sweet hamburger. Yucky YUCK. I also don't care for salad dressings for the same reasons. I don't want a sweet salad. YUCKY yuck.
I dislike people who bitch and complain about something and then refuse to do anything about it. I dislike myself, when I do that, you know, since I am not very confrontational. (see next one)
I DESPISE confrontation. Ok, but if I MUST be involved, do NOT think that I will cower down to you. If I am certain of my views and I am passionate about what I have to say...WATCH OUT!
I am not a big fan of reality tv. I don't hate it, and yes, I have a few things that I like, but overall....not so much. I am sorry, but I just cannot get into the housewives of where ever. (My secret guilty pleasure--19 kids and counting--I swear..I LOVE the Duggars. But don't tell..since I just said I disliked reality tv, blah, blah, blah--I said MOST. Duggars don't count :)
I have a bag obsession. Suitcases, duffle bags, purses, small bags, big bags, medium bags..., It's BAD. I mean like REALLY bad. I should have a support group. Seriously.
I cannot type worth a fig, since I cheated in typing class. I had the worst time following along. I talked too much. I know.....SHOCKER!!
I am a TERRIBLE secret keeper for the most part. But, I KNOW who NOT to say things too. But, yea..I SUCK.
I have a horrible desire to be liked. Now I am thinking---WTH!! Clairification---I don't REALLY care if you hate my guts, but DON'T act like it. Then you are just mean. And mean people SUCK! You do not have to be fake about it, but DAMN..have some CLASS!!
Vera Bradley has a new color out --- Lime's Up. I seriously like it. really. REALLY. (See --bag problem).
I don't really like to watch tv. I watch cartoons so that I have noise in the background. I like watching things that I have already seen. Phineas and Ferb is a favorite. :)
I like reading and watching things that are about the Civil War. It is something that I can watch anytime.
If I could visit anywhere, I would go to Scotland. What holds me back, is that I am not sure that I could leave there once I got there. There is just SOMETHING about it. It makes my heart ache with longing. Seriously!!
If I could live anywhere, besides Scotland, I would live in Washington DC. It is truly one of my favorite places on earth. There is so much history. You can feel the sadness in so many places there. Sometimes, it can take your breath away. Every American should visit. EVERY!
I like Ladybugs. When I see them, I know that my Granny is saying hello from heaven. They show up in the CRAZIEST places and ALWAYS when I need them.
I have an obsessive compulsive personality. When I find something that I love/like, I tend to go WAYYYYY overboard. ie: Harry Potter, Facebook, Pinterest, Sharks, The Beatles, Vera Bradley, Etsy, etc. You get the idea. And now... I am blogging..NEW ONE!
I LOVE the theatre. I could spend years just going to broadway plays and be TOTALLY happy. I would need a new bag for each one.......
I have a bag problem.
I talk to dead people, and sometimes they talk back. Sometimes, they turn lights on and off. Sometimes their heels click in the house. You get the idea. It's a wee bit creepy to some people, but I am used to it. You don't have to believe me. It has been going on since I was a kid. In this instance, you don't have to like me. :) --- But, remember..have some class.
I like glue. I like rubbing glue on my hands and then letting it dry. When you close your hands it looks like dead skin. SO COOL!!
I really like stickers!!!! Especially with my name on them. I should be a 7 year old girl. ;)
Well, If you made it this far..I am done for now. I am sure I will have another random day. I like random things. :)
I hate mayonnaise. Seriously. It has the nastiest texture and smell. I don't even like to have to touch it. Plus, it makes everything sweeter. I don't want a sweet hamburger. Yucky YUCK. I also don't care for salad dressings for the same reasons. I don't want a sweet salad. YUCKY yuck.
I dislike people who bitch and complain about something and then refuse to do anything about it. I dislike myself, when I do that, you know, since I am not very confrontational. (see next one)
I DESPISE confrontation. Ok, but if I MUST be involved, do NOT think that I will cower down to you. If I am certain of my views and I am passionate about what I have to say...WATCH OUT!
I am not a big fan of reality tv. I don't hate it, and yes, I have a few things that I like, but overall....not so much. I am sorry, but I just cannot get into the housewives of where ever. (My secret guilty pleasure--19 kids and counting--I swear..I LOVE the Duggars. But don't tell..since I just said I disliked reality tv, blah, blah, blah--I said MOST. Duggars don't count :)
I have a bag obsession. Suitcases, duffle bags, purses, small bags, big bags, medium bags..., It's BAD. I mean like REALLY bad. I should have a support group. Seriously.
I cannot type worth a fig, since I cheated in typing class. I had the worst time following along. I talked too much. I know.....SHOCKER!!
I am a TERRIBLE secret keeper for the most part. But, I KNOW who NOT to say things too. But, yea..I SUCK.
I have a horrible desire to be liked. Now I am thinking---WTH!! Clairification---I don't REALLY care if you hate my guts, but DON'T act like it. Then you are just mean. And mean people SUCK! You do not have to be fake about it, but DAMN..have some CLASS!!
Vera Bradley has a new color out --- Lime's Up. I seriously like it. really. REALLY. (See --bag problem).
I don't really like to watch tv. I watch cartoons so that I have noise in the background. I like watching things that I have already seen. Phineas and Ferb is a favorite. :)
I like reading and watching things that are about the Civil War. It is something that I can watch anytime.
If I could visit anywhere, I would go to Scotland. What holds me back, is that I am not sure that I could leave there once I got there. There is just SOMETHING about it. It makes my heart ache with longing. Seriously!!
If I could live anywhere, besides Scotland, I would live in Washington DC. It is truly one of my favorite places on earth. There is so much history. You can feel the sadness in so many places there. Sometimes, it can take your breath away. Every American should visit. EVERY!
I like Ladybugs. When I see them, I know that my Granny is saying hello from heaven. They show up in the CRAZIEST places and ALWAYS when I need them.
I have an obsessive compulsive personality. When I find something that I love/like, I tend to go WAYYYYY overboard. ie: Harry Potter, Facebook, Pinterest, Sharks, The Beatles, Vera Bradley, Etsy, etc. You get the idea. And now... I am blogging..NEW ONE!
I LOVE the theatre. I could spend years just going to broadway plays and be TOTALLY happy. I would need a new bag for each one.......
I have a bag problem.
I talk to dead people, and sometimes they talk back. Sometimes, they turn lights on and off. Sometimes their heels click in the house. You get the idea. It's a wee bit creepy to some people, but I am used to it. You don't have to believe me. It has been going on since I was a kid. In this instance, you don't have to like me. :) --- But, remember..have some class.
I like glue. I like rubbing glue on my hands and then letting it dry. When you close your hands it looks like dead skin. SO COOL!!
I really like stickers!!!! Especially with my name on them. I should be a 7 year old girl. ;)
Well, If you made it this far..I am done for now. I am sure I will have another random day. I like random things. :)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
The girl in the mirror
I lost 65 pounds a couple of years ago. Yea me. BUT, I gained 35 BACK this year alone. Not so yea me. Sigh. What the hell happened? Stupidity, stress, laziness and hate. Hate at that damn face in the mirror, because as she got bigger, the hate grew.
So, here I am trying to make peace with that girl. Because deep down, I REALLY like her. She is funny, sarcastic, shy, LOUD, and still someone I want to see BE herself. Find herself again. Because that is the real problem. The REAL reason that I am hating myself. She is lost and somehow I have to find her again. Not the weight loss, but the smile. The girl who was so happy. She is the one lost.
Don't get me wrong, all the other bullshit that I have had to deal with didn't help me. But, I chose to eat instead of deal with it so, I KNOW who is to blame. Me. Just me.
So now what? Well, if I knew I would tell you. But, the girl in the mirror and I are on a quest and I guess we will figure it out. But for now, I am trying to smile at that damn mirror reflection.
Somedays she even smiles back.
So, here I am trying to make peace with that girl. Because deep down, I REALLY like her. She is funny, sarcastic, shy, LOUD, and still someone I want to see BE herself. Find herself again. Because that is the real problem. The REAL reason that I am hating myself. She is lost and somehow I have to find her again. Not the weight loss, but the smile. The girl who was so happy. She is the one lost.
Don't get me wrong, all the other bullshit that I have had to deal with didn't help me. But, I chose to eat instead of deal with it so, I KNOW who is to blame. Me. Just me.
So now what? Well, if I knew I would tell you. But, the girl in the mirror and I are on a quest and I guess we will figure it out. But for now, I am trying to smile at that damn mirror reflection.
Somedays she even smiles back.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Renewal
Last summer, Texas had the worst drought in history. One of my favorite trees in the back yard is looking a little dead. The other trees have little blooms sprouting up and are happily showing the signs of spring. But, not my favorite tree. The one with the BIG, FAT happy leaves who in Fall will blanket my backyard. I LOVE when that happens, and so does my dog. But, last week I walked outside and walked under it to see if there were any buds. ANY sign of life and there were none. I wrote the tree off and added it to my list of things to do. Tree man here we come.
Except, a couple of days ago there were some leaves on my tree. I was skeptical, but hopeful. Because there were JUST a few, but enough. Today, there are so many buds on my tree that my tree is still going. Still. Still.
And that made me think, that maybe we are all like my tree. Droughts, pain, disappointment, unwanted thoughts just bear down on our souls and we become parched. And, we release a lot of the old things hanging around us and pushing down on our shoulders and then we withdraw. Going down inside to burrow for a little while. We seem withdrawn and sad, but deep down we know that we are merely putting some balm on a much bruised and battered soul.
I think, I believe, that every two years or so, we must redefine ourselves or we stay burrowed inside. Too set in our ways, too comfortable with JUST enough, and we lose a little more of our spark. So, when the turmoil comes, and it will, know that it is merely our chance. Our redemption. The redemption of us to truly be able to redefine ALL that we are. It is a gift. One that if we focus TOO much on the unhappiness and the pain that we cannot get past, we will miss it.
And that would be the real trajedy.
Except, a couple of days ago there were some leaves on my tree. I was skeptical, but hopeful. Because there were JUST a few, but enough. Today, there are so many buds on my tree that my tree is still going. Still. Still.
And that made me think, that maybe we are all like my tree. Droughts, pain, disappointment, unwanted thoughts just bear down on our souls and we become parched. And, we release a lot of the old things hanging around us and pushing down on our shoulders and then we withdraw. Going down inside to burrow for a little while. We seem withdrawn and sad, but deep down we know that we are merely putting some balm on a much bruised and battered soul.
I think, I believe, that every two years or so, we must redefine ourselves or we stay burrowed inside. Too set in our ways, too comfortable with JUST enough, and we lose a little more of our spark. So, when the turmoil comes, and it will, know that it is merely our chance. Our redemption. The redemption of us to truly be able to redefine ALL that we are. It is a gift. One that if we focus TOO much on the unhappiness and the pain that we cannot get past, we will miss it.
And that would be the real trajedy.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
New Hope
I love Spring. The smells in the air change from dead leaves, which have their own appeal, to my rose bushes blooming. With winter finally leaving, although honestly, this winter really should not be called winter. Let's call it spring-lite. With SL finally gone and spring here, there is time for renewal.
Lately, 2 am arrives and I am again staring at the darkness outside. Praying for miracles. Praying for solace. Praying for redemption. But, 2 am rarely brings me much relief.
But, this morning I realized that maybe, just maybe, my prayers have been answered. Nothing has changed, except me. And maybe, that is what was needed. What was necessary. There is so much darkness and so much pain, but it is peppered with a new realization. A new hope. So, maybe my prayer for solace is just this. Hope.
Redemption. Well, that is another story. One left inside for a little longer. Everyone always said that my big mouth would get me into trouble. It most certainly has on many occasions. But this time, it seems to have seeped into places and to have been discussed by many. In fact, my words have been passed around the masses. And, that has made me sad. Sadder than I thought was possible. Because, now it seems that standing up for others and standing up for injustice sometimes simply doesn't matter. That is why I am sad. Not that my mouth got me in trouble, but rather that my words of worry, of pain, of concern, were twisted and made into fodder for other people's agendas. That is what saddens me. People don't matter. Hurting others to make someone else look better does. So, while I wish and I hope to be accepted. I think I would rather stand out and be ostracized. I think in the long run, I am better off.
Now, do not mistake my words for pettiness or even mean spirited! No, my agenda here is not to point fingers, but rather to point at myself. To see the world half full in a half empty society is hard and I am doing the best I can. My best. Simply my best. By using my words. If nothing else, I am going to be honest with myself and I can be hated for that. I honestly don't have the energy to care anymore.
So, while my words are cayenne pepper tinged right now, and I try so hard to keep my world sugar lined...I am simply not there yet. Not just yet.
So, I guess today I am going to listen to the Beatles and just LET IT BE. For today, that is enough.
Lately, 2 am arrives and I am again staring at the darkness outside. Praying for miracles. Praying for solace. Praying for redemption. But, 2 am rarely brings me much relief.
But, this morning I realized that maybe, just maybe, my prayers have been answered. Nothing has changed, except me. And maybe, that is what was needed. What was necessary. There is so much darkness and so much pain, but it is peppered with a new realization. A new hope. So, maybe my prayer for solace is just this. Hope.
Redemption. Well, that is another story. One left inside for a little longer. Everyone always said that my big mouth would get me into trouble. It most certainly has on many occasions. But this time, it seems to have seeped into places and to have been discussed by many. In fact, my words have been passed around the masses. And, that has made me sad. Sadder than I thought was possible. Because, now it seems that standing up for others and standing up for injustice sometimes simply doesn't matter. That is why I am sad. Not that my mouth got me in trouble, but rather that my words of worry, of pain, of concern, were twisted and made into fodder for other people's agendas. That is what saddens me. People don't matter. Hurting others to make someone else look better does. So, while I wish and I hope to be accepted. I think I would rather stand out and be ostracized. I think in the long run, I am better off.
Now, do not mistake my words for pettiness or even mean spirited! No, my agenda here is not to point fingers, but rather to point at myself. To see the world half full in a half empty society is hard and I am doing the best I can. My best. Simply my best. By using my words. If nothing else, I am going to be honest with myself and I can be hated for that. I honestly don't have the energy to care anymore.
So, while my words are cayenne pepper tinged right now, and I try so hard to keep my world sugar lined...I am simply not there yet. Not just yet.
So, I guess today I am going to listen to the Beatles and just LET IT BE. For today, that is enough.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Broken
I have a new song that seems to be speaking to my heart right now. Broken by Lifehouse. The lyrics seem to have more meaning that I would care to see. "I am falling apart, I am barely breathing, with a broken heart that is still beating...."
The part that has me wanting to step back and to re-evaulate it, is that it does NOT reflect me or my life. But, for today, it represents the state of my mind. The place that is dark and scary and whispers things that scare me and makes me stand up and really look inward.
My crossroad came, and it was a doozy. But, it is an internal conflict, one that has external contributors. Does it define me. No. Will it change me. Yes. And that is not a bad thing.
The greatest trials that I have lived through have brought me more than my fair share of scars and I wouldn't change them for the world. Every slash on my soul helps to bring light to the broken part of my soul right now.
So, broken may be where I am, but I have faith that it can be restored. One small piece at a time.
"...In the pain there is still healing" Lifehouse
The part that has me wanting to step back and to re-evaulate it, is that it does NOT reflect me or my life. But, for today, it represents the state of my mind. The place that is dark and scary and whispers things that scare me and makes me stand up and really look inward.
My crossroad came, and it was a doozy. But, it is an internal conflict, one that has external contributors. Does it define me. No. Will it change me. Yes. And that is not a bad thing.
The greatest trials that I have lived through have brought me more than my fair share of scars and I wouldn't change them for the world. Every slash on my soul helps to bring light to the broken part of my soul right now.
So, broken may be where I am, but I have faith that it can be restored. One small piece at a time.
"...In the pain there is still healing" Lifehouse
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Midnight again
I seem to be at some crossroad. Except the crossroad and I have not met yet. I am wide awake, AGAIN, at midnight. I went to bed at 9:30, but right before midnight for the past couple of days, my eyes will just pop open. It really puts a girl in a GREAT mood. Which leads to confusion and worry. Because, I know, too well, that nothing happens by chance. So, I figure it is a crossroad, just waiting to be sprung on me.
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