The girl in the mirror

I lost 65 pounds a couple of years ago.  Yea me.  BUT, I gained 35 BACK this year alone.  Not so yea me.  Sigh.  What the hell happened?  Stupidity, stress, laziness and hate.  Hate at that damn face in the mirror, because as she got bigger, the hate grew.

So, here I am trying to make peace with that girl.  Because deep down, I REALLY like her.  She is funny, sarcastic, shy, LOUD, and still someone I want to see BE herself.  Find herself again.  Because that is the real problem.  The REAL reason that I am hating myself.  She is lost and somehow I have to find her again.  Not the weight loss, but the smile.  The girl who was so happy.  She is the one lost.

Don't get me wrong, all the other bullshit that I have had to deal with didn't help me.  But, I chose to eat instead of deal with it so, I KNOW who is to blame.  Me.  Just me.

So now what?  Well, if I knew I would tell you.  But, the girl in the mirror and I are on a quest and I guess we will figure it out.  But for now, I am trying to smile at that damn mirror reflection.

Somedays she even smiles back.