3 am and I are old friends. The darkness of night seems to calm me, and bring forth memories. Memories of days gone by. Whispers of solitude and warmth.
It's in these moments that I listen to music. Music soothes me and brings memories. Memories that I relish and some that make me cringe. But, each memory gives me a moment of reflection. A time that allows me to see things a little clearer.
I started this blog when I was in a very dark place in my life. A place that felt like a cold hand pulling me down. Eventually, I began to write things that made me happy. I decided that I refused to live in the shadows of that cold hand. An unspoken fear that I will not allow to control me.
While I still embrace that concept and revel in the warmth of it, there is still darkness. Just below the surface. Sometimes, I fight it so very much that sometimes it feels like it is all I do. But, most of the time, I allow it to come forth and I blast it with sunshine. Because, the sunshine brings laughter. And, if I have learned anything these last few years, its that if you cannot laugh at yourself, you will NEVER survive this life.
Memories, if they are good or bad, sustain us and haunt us. Sometimes, 3 am is when me meet.....
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Monday, June 25, 2012
Mt. Nebo Rd.
I lost my Granny 3 years ago in February. I had her for 36 years. I was so happy that she was able to meet and KNOW my daughter, her namesake. She died 6 months after I had to put her in a nursing home. A decision that ripped my heart out and left me bleeding.
She was losing her mind, disease taking away her memories and me.
I was fortunate enough to have spent several weeks with her while we were getting her situated.
I remember sitting on the front porch of her house watching the sun rise and set. Watching deer come from the woods and the cars go up and down the mountain. In between those moments, I was packing up her house. Cleaning and painting nicotine walls. Letting go of my childhood.
We had to sell her house, the house that was the one constant in my life. I grew up there. When my parents divorced, I spent the summer and every other Christmas there. My father's alcoholism decreed that.
So, the walls held so many memories. The summer that my sister and I watched Grease 2 and Six Pack everytime they came on HBO. Watching Lawrence Welk and eating potato chips with my Papa. The discovery of eating banana's with peanut butter on them. The basement that held toys and her ironing board, since she ironed EVERYTHING!! Christmas lights strung around the basement because my Dad loved Christmas and from when they had parties. The picture in the kitchen that we laughed at because she bought it thinking it was a thanksgiving picture, but it was a picture of an Amish family. The table that we ate dinner at every night at 4:30. The front porch that we sat on everynight after dinner watching lightning bugs and the cars going up and down the hill. The brown label on the door to the garage that said Jeff's pad.
She watched her baby, my dad, be sent to Vietnam and come back a different man. She held my hand in the snow while we listened to them play taps when we buried him when I was 22 after he died on Christmas Eve.
I was home when the call came from my aunt. Come home to Ohio. I spoke with Granny and told her that I would see her on Friday, and for the first time in a long time she told me-- Chris, I will see you then. When she called me Chris, she was talking about ME. Her and my Dad were the only two people on this planet that called me Chris. If she said Christie, I knew she was going by what she heard others say. So, it was beyond URGENT that I get to her. That was the last conversation I had with her that she knew ME. I never got to tell her, that she understood....how much I truly loved her and that I was so thankful that she loved me, when she didn't have too. And, I KNEW that she loved me. No doubt there.
By the time I got home, it was almost time. Hospice. It means one thing. Goodbye time.
My sister and I were sitting with her in the hospice room. I was sitting in the chair next to her bed holding her hand and watching the snow fall--listening to Coldplay's Yellow. Lauren sat on her other side holding her hand. It was quiet. Granny was out of it, she hadn't spoken since we got there. Lauren got up to say goodbye, since we were leaving for the night. It was around 10:15. Lauren went to sit down and I stood on Granny's right side. I took her hand and told her that I loved her. She turned her head and looked at me, and I knew. That moment that just lets you know. No words were needed. Her eyes just stared into mine. I told her that it was ok to go and that my Daddy, her baby, was waiting for her. To go with Daddy. She turned her eyes to the left of me and looked at the open space there, and I watched her crystal blue eyes lose their life.
It was truly one of the most PROFOUND moments of my life. Death is as beautiful as birth. I was blessed to be able to see that. I was grateful that she let us. She always tried to protect us, telling us things AFTER the fact, which drove us crazy.
Again, I stood in the snow to bury someone I cherished and loved.
I am going back in the next weeks to get the last remaining things from her house, that have been stored at her sisters house.
For the first time in my 39 years, I cannot go back to her house, my house. I realized it the other day and I have had a pain in my heart ever since.
Letting go, all over again.
It's days like these, that the simple days of summer and childhood are so far away. The time in your life when the world makes perfect sense and letting go means nothing more than closing the door behind you....
This visit, I get to visit Daddy's grave, Papa's grave and Granny's grave.......letting go in stone.
She was losing her mind, disease taking away her memories and me.
I was fortunate enough to have spent several weeks with her while we were getting her situated.
I remember sitting on the front porch of her house watching the sun rise and set. Watching deer come from the woods and the cars go up and down the mountain. In between those moments, I was packing up her house. Cleaning and painting nicotine walls. Letting go of my childhood.
We had to sell her house, the house that was the one constant in my life. I grew up there. When my parents divorced, I spent the summer and every other Christmas there. My father's alcoholism decreed that.
So, the walls held so many memories. The summer that my sister and I watched Grease 2 and Six Pack everytime they came on HBO. Watching Lawrence Welk and eating potato chips with my Papa. The discovery of eating banana's with peanut butter on them. The basement that held toys and her ironing board, since she ironed EVERYTHING!! Christmas lights strung around the basement because my Dad loved Christmas and from when they had parties. The picture in the kitchen that we laughed at because she bought it thinking it was a thanksgiving picture, but it was a picture of an Amish family. The table that we ate dinner at every night at 4:30. The front porch that we sat on everynight after dinner watching lightning bugs and the cars going up and down the hill. The brown label on the door to the garage that said Jeff's pad.
She watched her baby, my dad, be sent to Vietnam and come back a different man. She held my hand in the snow while we listened to them play taps when we buried him when I was 22 after he died on Christmas Eve.
I was home when the call came from my aunt. Come home to Ohio. I spoke with Granny and told her that I would see her on Friday, and for the first time in a long time she told me-- Chris, I will see you then. When she called me Chris, she was talking about ME. Her and my Dad were the only two people on this planet that called me Chris. If she said Christie, I knew she was going by what she heard others say. So, it was beyond URGENT that I get to her. That was the last conversation I had with her that she knew ME. I never got to tell her, that she understood....how much I truly loved her and that I was so thankful that she loved me, when she didn't have too. And, I KNEW that she loved me. No doubt there.
By the time I got home, it was almost time. Hospice. It means one thing. Goodbye time.
My sister and I were sitting with her in the hospice room. I was sitting in the chair next to her bed holding her hand and watching the snow fall--listening to Coldplay's Yellow. Lauren sat on her other side holding her hand. It was quiet. Granny was out of it, she hadn't spoken since we got there. Lauren got up to say goodbye, since we were leaving for the night. It was around 10:15. Lauren went to sit down and I stood on Granny's right side. I took her hand and told her that I loved her. She turned her head and looked at me, and I knew. That moment that just lets you know. No words were needed. Her eyes just stared into mine. I told her that it was ok to go and that my Daddy, her baby, was waiting for her. To go with Daddy. She turned her eyes to the left of me and looked at the open space there, and I watched her crystal blue eyes lose their life.
It was truly one of the most PROFOUND moments of my life. Death is as beautiful as birth. I was blessed to be able to see that. I was grateful that she let us. She always tried to protect us, telling us things AFTER the fact, which drove us crazy.
Again, I stood in the snow to bury someone I cherished and loved.
I am going back in the next weeks to get the last remaining things from her house, that have been stored at her sisters house.
For the first time in my 39 years, I cannot go back to her house, my house. I realized it the other day and I have had a pain in my heart ever since.
Letting go, all over again.
It's days like these, that the simple days of summer and childhood are so far away. The time in your life when the world makes perfect sense and letting go means nothing more than closing the door behind you....
This visit, I get to visit Daddy's grave, Papa's grave and Granny's grave.......letting go in stone.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
A Mama's Love
My Mama rocks. Seriously. My step-mama rocks too. Seriously. I am totally lucky. I have 2 rockin mama's.
My hubbers has his mama. I love her bunches too. She is pretty jazzy. Did I always think so, yes and no. There are days that we differ on many different things. She is a die hard catholic. I am a too, but I am a little more liberal in my beliefs. She is pretty conservative. Seeing eye to eye on that, causes some anxiety for her. :) But, overall she rocks.
When I married her son, MY mama pulled me over to the side and told me to NEVER forget how much she loves me and that HIS mama feels the exact same way about him. No matter what, I should never forget that. To make every effort to keep those bonds strong and their relationship close. I have done what my Mama siad, even when we had difficulties. No road is devoid of bumps. But, they are overcome in time, and ultimately make us all better for them.
I remembered that the day I became a Mama. I understood exactly how much my Mama loved me and exactly how much his Mama loved him.
So, no matter what differences we have, that love is constant.
I would kill to protect my baby from harm. Just like my Mama would do for me and my sisters. Just like my step-Mama would do for me, my sisters and my brothers. Just like Mama in law would do for my husband.
Thank Goodness for my Mama's.
My hubbers has his mama. I love her bunches too. She is pretty jazzy. Did I always think so, yes and no. There are days that we differ on many different things. She is a die hard catholic. I am a too, but I am a little more liberal in my beliefs. She is pretty conservative. Seeing eye to eye on that, causes some anxiety for her. :) But, overall she rocks.
When I married her son, MY mama pulled me over to the side and told me to NEVER forget how much she loves me and that HIS mama feels the exact same way about him. No matter what, I should never forget that. To make every effort to keep those bonds strong and their relationship close. I have done what my Mama siad, even when we had difficulties. No road is devoid of bumps. But, they are overcome in time, and ultimately make us all better for them.
I remembered that the day I became a Mama. I understood exactly how much my Mama loved me and exactly how much his Mama loved him.
So, no matter what differences we have, that love is constant.
I would kill to protect my baby from harm. Just like my Mama would do for me and my sisters. Just like my step-Mama would do for me, my sisters and my brothers. Just like Mama in law would do for my husband.
Thank Goodness for my Mama's.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Love and Hate
I had to delete someone from my Facebook page this week. She was someone from my high school days. Not a friend, but not an enemy. Just someone. She has her opinions and I have mine. She tends to get very riled up over politics, religion, weather... You name it, she has a problem with it.
I didn't have a problem with her rants, she has freedom of speech behind her and she wasn't being cruel. Not specifically. Well, not by name anyway.
But this week she joined - the I hate Obama because he likes gays wagon. She used our catholic faith as her wagon of choice and there, she crossed a line.
See, I have a problem with anyone who can truly say they are a religious person, but HATE an entire group of people because of who they LOVE.
That is it. That is the core of people who are against homosexuals. They are against love.
LOVE is the greatest force on earth. It's cousin HATE..right behind her. To hate so fully...With a passion that rivals all that is in your soul. That is a lot of energy that is being shoved out into the world. And we wonder why it comes flying back to us so much.
Every negative thought or action you take eventually makes it way back to you. Love is the same way.
I don't give a rats ass what the bible says about marriage. Love is love. Period. If you are lucky enough to find it, hold the hell onto it. Purple, brown, green,black, white, gay, atheist... Whatever the hell you are. There is nothing more precious.
And.....
I am pretty sure when God said love thy neighbor, he meant everyone.
I don't hate people who spread the hate around. I feel sorry for them and I pray for them. To hate so many people over whom they love... how tragic a life.
So, I deleted her not because of her statements, but rather the hate.
There is enough hate in this wicked and wonderful world and I didn't need a front row seat this week for it.
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
JK Rowling
Choose LOVE. Always choose love over hate. Always.
I didn't have a problem with her rants, she has freedom of speech behind her and she wasn't being cruel. Not specifically. Well, not by name anyway.
But this week she joined - the I hate Obama because he likes gays wagon. She used our catholic faith as her wagon of choice and there, she crossed a line.
See, I have a problem with anyone who can truly say they are a religious person, but HATE an entire group of people because of who they LOVE.
That is it. That is the core of people who are against homosexuals. They are against love.
LOVE is the greatest force on earth. It's cousin HATE..right behind her. To hate so fully...With a passion that rivals all that is in your soul. That is a lot of energy that is being shoved out into the world. And we wonder why it comes flying back to us so much.
Every negative thought or action you take eventually makes it way back to you. Love is the same way.
I don't give a rats ass what the bible says about marriage. Love is love. Period. If you are lucky enough to find it, hold the hell onto it. Purple, brown, green,black, white, gay, atheist... Whatever the hell you are. There is nothing more precious.
And.....
I am pretty sure when God said love thy neighbor, he meant everyone.
I don't hate people who spread the hate around. I feel sorry for them and I pray for them. To hate so many people over whom they love... how tragic a life.
So, I deleted her not because of her statements, but rather the hate.
There is enough hate in this wicked and wonderful world and I didn't need a front row seat this week for it.
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
JK Rowling
Choose LOVE. Always choose love over hate. Always.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Eating Crow
I have never claimed to be perfect. More like perfectly flawed. :)
I had a situation occur in the Fall, that had my daughter hurt. Her feelings hurt. It was hard to watch and I acted like a Mama lion and came roaring out.
I made comments about the teacher who had hurt her on Facebook. I was sooooo noble....(sarcasm)
I didn't say her name, but I was brutal and cruel. No matter how noble I THOUGHT I was, ultimately, I was an ass. I took a situation that should have been dealt with maturely and turned it into a playground fight.
I am exactly like all the people, who I despise, who do this. I was totally convinced that I was right, but deep down....cruelty doesn't need to be spread around. There is enough already. I added to the horrible pile and called it justification.
Many things have occurred because of those comments. Some things were done by other people. Their actions speak about them. Just as mine spoke about me. If nothing else--- Karma is a bitch. I put negativity and ugliness out into the universe and it came back with a vengeance.
I recently attempted to make ammends with the woman who I hurt. I don't agree with how she handled the situation, but knowing that I made it WORSE, made we re-evaluate.
If I am to teach my daughter about forgiveness and honor, I need to SHOW her this. Only then will I have been a good mother.
So, eating crow SUCKS. But, it was and IS the right thing to do. For me it was as necessary as breathing. I need to be able to smile at the girl in the mirror. :)
I had a situation occur in the Fall, that had my daughter hurt. Her feelings hurt. It was hard to watch and I acted like a Mama lion and came roaring out.
I made comments about the teacher who had hurt her on Facebook. I was sooooo noble....(sarcasm)
I didn't say her name, but I was brutal and cruel. No matter how noble I THOUGHT I was, ultimately, I was an ass. I took a situation that should have been dealt with maturely and turned it into a playground fight.
I am exactly like all the people, who I despise, who do this. I was totally convinced that I was right, but deep down....cruelty doesn't need to be spread around. There is enough already. I added to the horrible pile and called it justification.
Many things have occurred because of those comments. Some things were done by other people. Their actions speak about them. Just as mine spoke about me. If nothing else--- Karma is a bitch. I put negativity and ugliness out into the universe and it came back with a vengeance.
I recently attempted to make ammends with the woman who I hurt. I don't agree with how she handled the situation, but knowing that I made it WORSE, made we re-evaluate.
If I am to teach my daughter about forgiveness and honor, I need to SHOW her this. Only then will I have been a good mother.
So, eating crow SUCKS. But, it was and IS the right thing to do. For me it was as necessary as breathing. I need to be able to smile at the girl in the mirror. :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Lessons and Energy
I learned a truly valuable lesson. I didn't really enjoy it at the time, but I see the wonderful benefits now.
I have decided to "Send light and love out".
Meaning, when I feel a bit...OVERtaxed by people. ie-pissed off beyond what my brain can handle. I will send out feelings of love and healing light to surround them.
Sending out negative and unwanted feelings allows the universe to send them right on back to me. Unacceptable. So, if happiness is necessary on the return, then it is vital in the output.
Is it easy? Hell no. I spend ALOT of time saying this phrase. I told my hubs that I was convinced that I was an angry elf -- from the south pole. :)
I sometimes say the phrase through my teeth and quite a few times it has been "I send light and f*in love out.
Mother Theresa I am not.
What I am, is someone who knows that the greatest blessing and tool that I have at my disposal is the ability to love.
How I use that tool will ultimately determine my path.
So----
I send you all light and love today.
Make today count.
I have decided to "Send light and love out".
Meaning, when I feel a bit...OVERtaxed by people. ie-pissed off beyond what my brain can handle. I will send out feelings of love and healing light to surround them.
Sending out negative and unwanted feelings allows the universe to send them right on back to me. Unacceptable. So, if happiness is necessary on the return, then it is vital in the output.
Is it easy? Hell no. I spend ALOT of time saying this phrase. I told my hubs that I was convinced that I was an angry elf -- from the south pole. :)
I sometimes say the phrase through my teeth and quite a few times it has been "I send light and f*in love out.
Mother Theresa I am not.
What I am, is someone who knows that the greatest blessing and tool that I have at my disposal is the ability to love.
How I use that tool will ultimately determine my path.
So----
I send you all light and love today.
Make today count.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Challenges, Control and Letting Go
When I started my journey of self discovery, I knew that certain parts were going to hurt. Looking inward can sometimes be scary. Sometimes, downright terrifying. But, if we don't try to see past the pain and unhealthy attachments that we have made, we become dependent.
Dependent on not just the emotional aspect, but also the physical attachment. That NEED for it. Food, Booze, Love, Acceptance... you get the picture. The vices that chain people to the post of uncertainty and fear.
I am slowly discovering that what I thought was my greatest vice, food, is actually deeper than that. Control is my demon. Her bitchy twin Acceptance is not far behind.
I try so hard to control all things around me, and since I cannot do that, I try to control myself.
Epic fail. Seriously.
I no more have control of the tides in the ocean than I do to controlling myself and the things that circle around and peck away at me.
What I CAN control is how I deal with these things. How I cope with the situation is just as important to my well being as how I perceive it.
Because that is where I am. Coping and finding JOY and acceptance of ME. Joy in THAT discovery.
I AM ENOUGH.
I will never be perfect, but I will be perfectly me. And, that is enough. Truly enough. :)
I cannot change my past, but I can accept that through it, I am me. I LIKE me, big ass mouth and all.
So, no more debbie downer. Life in all it's fragility, is terribly precious. I got myself so turned around, that I forgot. I stopped living for awhile.
So, now I have to start living again. For me. Only me.
And the whispers.................................. Well, a lady really should watch her mouth. :)
Dependent on not just the emotional aspect, but also the physical attachment. That NEED for it. Food, Booze, Love, Acceptance... you get the picture. The vices that chain people to the post of uncertainty and fear.
I am slowly discovering that what I thought was my greatest vice, food, is actually deeper than that. Control is my demon. Her bitchy twin Acceptance is not far behind.
I try so hard to control all things around me, and since I cannot do that, I try to control myself.
Epic fail. Seriously.
I no more have control of the tides in the ocean than I do to controlling myself and the things that circle around and peck away at me.
What I CAN control is how I deal with these things. How I cope with the situation is just as important to my well being as how I perceive it.
Because that is where I am. Coping and finding JOY and acceptance of ME. Joy in THAT discovery.
I AM ENOUGH.
I will never be perfect, but I will be perfectly me. And, that is enough. Truly enough. :)
I cannot change my past, but I can accept that through it, I am me. I LIKE me, big ass mouth and all.
So, no more debbie downer. Life in all it's fragility, is terribly precious. I got myself so turned around, that I forgot. I stopped living for awhile.
So, now I have to start living again. For me. Only me.
And the whispers.................................. Well, a lady really should watch her mouth. :)
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